The 2nd’s

Everyone says the first’s are the hardest. All the first holidays, first birthday, first anniversary of death.  The second’s are not much easier.  I guess the “smaller” holidays like Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day were not so bad but Easter is hitting me hard again.  Maybe it’s because Easter had always been a big family holiday for my family.  My parents always had Easter baskets for us.  My dad would hide them and we would get to go around the house hunting for them.  We did the traditional Easter egg dying and hunting every year as well.  We would go to church and have a big family dinner.  These are the same traditions we carried on with our kids.

We did dye Easter eggs with Rosie last night.  It was her first time dying eggs with her new lungs, she said.  Adam was with us last year but it was only Rosie this year.  We didn’t go to church last Easter. I can’t remember why.  Maybe it was too painful.  This year we didn’t go because there are always a million people there on Easter and it is just too much of a risk with Rosie’s immune system being so low.

So we are having our own Easter service here at home.  RD is smoking ribs and I am making potato salad for our family dinner later.  Adam, my parents and my brother are coming over. But that “empty chair” is just as painful as it was last year.  People say that time heals all wounds, but I’m not sure that is correct when you loose someone you love so much.  I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to her not being here.  I guess those people who say that saying about time have never lost a child.

I try to imagine what it’s like for Melanie this day in heaven,  Do they celebrate Easter in Heaven? If they do, is it always on a different date like it is here on Earth? I would guess it’s not. Isn’t everyday in Heaven a celebration? Then my question’s go a different direction.  Back to the why’s.  Why did he have to take her? why didn’t she get new lungs? Why did we stay at Methodist so long? Why didn’t we go somewhere else sooner?

Easter is celebrating Jesus death and Resurrection.  He paid a price that no one else could pay so that everyone would have the chance to live with him in Heaven and eventually the New earth when we die. I have accepted Jesus as my savior and I know Melanie did too. I can’t help but focus on the hope that it means I get to be with Melanie again. And without Jesus’ death that would not be possible.

I’m thankful Easter means more than bunnies and eggs. I’m thankful that Jesus died to pay a debt I could never pay. I’m thankful I will get to be with Melanie again someday. Some days I can focus on the good, some days all I can see is the earthly loss. I’m sure I’ll look back at the foot prints in my life and see that today there is only one set of footprints – God is carrying me today for sure.

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