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13277528_1048290135206946_1703085028_n(1)We returned home last night from a week long stay in New Mexico.  We had two reasons for going out there.  One, to spread some of Rosie’s ashes at Soda Dam in the Jemez Mountains and two, to get away and relax. It was a great week.  RD and I had a few days on our own before Adam and Rachel joined us.  We didn’t have anything planned so one day we decided to drive west and explore. There is just something about being out in the middle of no where that makes me feel closer to God and my girls.  The beauty of the land and absolute quite are somewhat healing. I guess I did have some healing while I was in New Mexico.  It was easy to not be very sad, especially once Adam and Rachel arrived.  Rachel had never been to New Mexico so it was exciting to show her around.  We were driving in the car one day and it occurred to me that this is my family now. This is our new beginning.  I’m very thankful for the time we spent with Adam and Rachel. I feel like I know Rachel a little more than I did before.

I got to spend some time with my cousin and her family. We visited with friends of RD’s from church, the Christian Motorcycle Association and from the Electrical Union. We had dinner with my friend from school and her husband.  It was fun to catch up and reminisce. We ate some very good New Mexican food and explored the desert, the mountains and the city. I even listened to the end of the Indy 500 on the top of a hill in Boca Negra Canyon.

There were a few times that I felt Rosie was with us. Sunday morning we were driving to the Petroglyph National Monument and the song “Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride” from Lilo and Stitch came on the radio.  Rosie loved Lilo and Stitch and that song was one she downloaded to her phone. From the day it came out on DVD and we bought it to the day she left this earth, she loved that movie.  When she was little she taught herself the Hawaiian dance that Lilo learned in the movie and Rosie would dance with Lilo every time she watched it. There were are few other times that I felt she was reminding us she was close.

I wish Rosie and Melanie could have been healthy and with us. We never got the chance to show New Mexico to Melanie but Rosie had been several times and always enjoyed it. I had a hard time walking thru the airport when we landed in Indianapolis.  The last time I had been there late in the evening was with Rosie when we came back from New York. We landed at 12:55 am and I was tired.  It is when I am tired that I have the most difficult times. I kept telling my self not to think about Rosie.  I tried to find something else to focus on but it was as if my mind could remember nothing else.  So I cried as I walked thru the airport to baggage claim.

Getting home was not much easier. It’s hard to be back home. It isn’t so much being back in the home where my kids were raised as much as it is the blank page of my future staring at me.  I really don’t know what my future looks like.  I have been a stay at home mom for 22 years. I have been taking care of “sick” kids for 21 years. My calendar was always full of doctors appointments and I could count on multiple hospital stays every year. Now that very long chapter has closed and a new one has begun. I could get a job, but I don’t want to work just to work.  I want to do something I love and something that will make a difference in someone else’s life. I’ve thought about going to college. I’ll look into it. I am going to do my volunteer training with the Indiana Donor Network.  I hope I will have opportunities to speak and share our story. For now, I’ll focus on my volunteer training and projects around the house and maybe looking into going to school.



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