And Back Again

It’s been two weeks since Rosie left this world for her heavenly home.  Last night was the first time I really broke down and cried.  Not the nice tears running down the cheeks but the kind of crying that makes the whole bed shake. It’s hard to believe she is really gone.  It sometimes seems like a battle is going on in my mind.  Three weeks ago she would have been asleep in her room until about 1:00 PM. There’s a small part of my mind still thinks that is where she should be and in the next second I’m aware that her room is empty.

It’s been a different path this time. When Melanie passed away, I focused my time on Rosie.  Adam was still living at home and I was a busy mom cleaning and cooking for a family of 4.  Adam has been out on his own for a year and a half and RD and I are alone for the first time in 22 years. We are taking it day by day trying to figure out how to walk this road together. I like to think that God knew I would be able to handle this, but then I think maybe He is just giving me little bits at a time.  I think the entire weight would destroy me.  So I think He is carrying most of it right now. I miss Rosie and Melanie but I’m happy knowing they are together again.  They are free of all the burdens they had to carry in this world.

Rosie’s strength at the end of her life amazes me.  I think she knew her time was short and she didn’t leave anything left unsaid or unfinished.  She told us many times that we were the best parents ever and that she wouldn’t have chosen other parents if she could have. She told us thank you for everything we did for her and told us to not give up after she was gone. She wanted us to keep living.  She called family and friends and told them how much she loved them and thanked them for what they had done for her. She talked with her brother and made him laugh as well as cry. And she was able to spend time singing and laughing with her friends on her last day on this Earth. Rosie told me what she wanted at her funeral and picked out her urn. She told me no one was allowed to take Spike, her well loved stuffed horse who had been through every surgery, hospital stay and procedure since she was 5. I hope that she doesn’t mind that I sleep with Spike now.

Sleep has not come easily for me these last two weeks. I had the same problem after Melanie passed away.  I’ll probably need to go see my doctor for some help in that department soon. RD and I have kept busy, which has been a good distraction. I don’t think it would be good for us to sit around the house thinking about Rosie being gone.  And don’t get me wrong, we think about Rosie when we are out doing other things too. Keeping my mind distracted has been a good thing. I continued as Stage Manager for Sweeney Todd last week and now that the show has closed I am focused on the small business Adam and I have.  We will be talking our products to out first fair this weekend.

We have had such an amazing out pouring of love and support from our family and friends. Some have been walking with us for a long time and others are fairly new. It has been a huge blessing to have that support. Of course I worry about Adam.  I think that has been the hardest part for me.  Both his sisters are gone and I can’t do anything to take away his pain.  It’s been a rough road for all of us.  I hope that we will all come through this stronger than we were before. I feel like we just adjusted to life without Melanie and now we are back again to adjust to life without Rosie. I always knew this day would come but I didn’t think it would be this soon. I miss them both but I don’t wish them back.  They are both healed and healthy now and that is all I ever wanted for them. And I know I will get to see them again.

 

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