2015 has come and I still feel like I am counting down my year. One year ago today I heard the last words Melanie would ever speak to me. She was admitted to the hospital on Saturday afternoon. I knew as soon as I heard her coughing that she had pneumonia. And I hoped and prayed she would be able to beat it just one more time. Sadly she did not. She was staying at my mom and dad’s house so my mom and son had taken her to the ER. I met them there. I was in such a rush to get to her that I didn’t take anything with me. Once she was settled into her room and was on bi-pap and resting. I decided to go home to get some things. While I was at home the doctor called me and said they needed to intubate her. I rushed to the hospital but by the time I got there she was already sedated and on the ventilator. I regret not staying with her. She was alone and I’m not sure that is something I will ever be able to get over. The doctors had a plan to put in a trac toward the end of the week and get her on the transplant list. There was still hope.
I can still remember all of those moments vividly. I remember the details of the room and the way she looked laying in the bed on a ventilator. They had changed her clothes and put her in a hospital gown. Her hair was up in a messy bun. There were a few times that the sedation was too light and she opened her eyes and looked at us. I will never forget that look. I sat a talked to her and held her hand. Her heart rate would rise every time I let go of her hand. So I would talk to her and let her know I was switching hands or going to the bathroom and would be right back and her heart rate would come down. I watched some of her favorite shows with her. She liked to watch House Hunters and Duck Dynasty.
As this week got closer I thought about how I would react to this anniversary. At home I’ve been in a bad mood and not motivated to do much of anything. I am thankful for the distraction of things that get me out of the house. I am trying to focus on Wednesday being Rosie’s 6 month transplant anniversary. She is doing amazing and I am so thankful for the second chance at life she was given. I’m trying to balance the joy of Rosie with the grief of Melanie. I thought that if I focused on Rosie maybe the pain of losing Melanie wouldn’t overtake me. It’s still a battle and I’m not sure which side will win. I’m trying to focus on stage managing a new show and a trip to Atlanta for a Jr Theater Festival this weekend. I also have a lot scheduled this week but I know there will be times where I am home with no distractions and the emotions will hit. I think of how to prepare for that but I don’t think I can.
I think God will be carrying me a lot this week and I’m thankful He does that. There have been many tears already and I’m sure there will be many more this week. I’m comforted by images of God holding my tears in his cupped hands. I think I saw a picture of that on Facebook and it stuck in my mind. What ever He does I’m thankful that I know God and He knows me. I can’t imagine going through this without Him.