The Tough Days

I never know when its going to be a tough day. At first they were all tough days. Then slowly the good days started squeezing in between the tough days. Today was a tough day. I never know when they are coming. They just show up and knock me off my game. Maybe it was because Rosie and I spent the day out shopping and that is something I did with Melanie – A LOT! Melanie loved to shop and she was really good at it. She was so much fun to shop with and she was never ready to stop. I would usually say we needed to get home and she would answer with just one more store. And I would give in. Maybe today is a tough day because I was looking through instagram and saw a picture posted by Rosie. It was a picture of Melanie and Rosie together at the apple orchard last fall. There was an apple named Melrose. I took a picture of the girls standing by the sign. Rosie’s post simply said “I love you”. I can’t type that without the tears falling. It’s so heartbreaking to watch my kids live through the death of their sister. Adam was here Thursday. We went to the St Louis Art Museum. Melanie would have really liked it. She had been asking for a while to go to the Indianapolis Art Museum one last time but we never found the time to go.

I’ve cried both happy and sad tears today. Rosie and I were out shopping and while driving from store to store we were listening to musicals. Can you believe we had to drive 20 minutes to go to the closest Chik-Fil-A? One of the songs Rosie always likes to sing is “The Wizard and I” from Wicked. She always tried to hold that last note as long as Idina Menzel but could never do it. Today she was belting out the words and when she got to that last note she held it out till the end. I cried happy, thankful tears. I don’t know if her donor was a singer but these lungs are singing lungs now! Rosie’s voice is so strong and the more she sings the more comfortable she gets with using her new lungs. It brings me so much joy to hear her sing. It always has but now it’s even a little more special.

I wish Melanie had had the chance to get used to new lungs, to walk the art museum and shop with me all afternoon with out dragging an oxygen tank around and using a motorized scooter. I’ll never understand why she didn’t get her chance. Well maybe I will know one day when I get to heaven but here on earth that question will probably always be unanswered.

Earlier this year I had made the comment that 2014 could turn out to be a bitter sweet year for us and it has. Such deep sadness over the loss of Melanie and such utter joy for Rosie’s second chance at life. It’s like trying to push two magnets together.They just don’t want to touch but somehow I have to figure out how to live my life with both. Not an easy task and one that I’m not sure I will ever be able to really conquer. I do my best to get through each day. Some days are happy tears, some are sad and days like today are both.

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