A New Season

As I was walking out to my car this evening I had a thought that brought me to tears.  Melanie might know Rosie’s donor.  There is no way to know since we have no information about her donor but if Rosie’s donor had accepted Christ as his or her savior then Melanie and Rosie’s donor are in heaven together.  The thought that Melanie can tell Rosie’s donor all about Rosie is mind boggling.  It’s so hard not to wonder who it was that gave Rosie their beautiful lungs.  I hope someday we will be able to meet the family and learn about her donor.  

Rosie sang today for some of the hospital staff.  She has always had a beautiful voice but now it is so strong.  I wonder if her donor was a singer?  It’s amazing how we’ll Rosie is doing.  She looks so healthy and is moving without any help.  I’m excited to get her out of the hospital and into our Ronald McDonald house apartment.  I know it will be an adjustment on every level but I’m so excited for her to begin living life.

Almost all our training is done and I feel confident I can handle this new season of life.  A new season in which I will learn to live with joy along side grief.  Two very different emotions that will coexist within me forever.  I am so very thankful for the second chance Rosie has been given and I will never be able put into words how thankful I am . But I still have this hole in my heart that can never be filled.  The sadness still comes at unexpected times and overwhelms me.  I still cry to God asking why He didn’t give Melanie a chance at life with new lungs. She should be here with her sister to experience life together without CF lungs. But I imagine Melanie wouldn’t want to come back if she was given the choice.  I believe with every ounce of my being that she is in a much better place than this world.  Given the choice I would choose paradise too.  I long for the day when all 5 of us are back together again.  It will probably be a long time. And more then likely Rosie will go before us as well.  I pray that will be many years from now after living a full life chasing all her dreams.  I worry about Adam and how he is doing with all of this. I wish he would talk to me about it but there isn’t much I can do to take away the pain.  It’s one thing to deal with grief but it’s a whole different thing to have to watch your children go through it and know you can’t make it better.  We tell each other I love you more and we all feel the unspoken need to cherish the time we are together.  I know it’s natural for Adam to be leaving home soon and starting his own life but I hope he will stay a little longer. I’m not ready for him to leave so soon after loosing Melanie.  I know it’s different.  He will be living and she is not, but it won’t be the same.  I need my family together.  There should be 5 and now there is 4.  I’m not ready. 

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