I don’t cry everyday anymore. Tuesday June 3rd will be 20 weeks since Melanie died. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real that she is gone. I was worried how I would handle this week with Rosie being in the hospital. I usually keep busy at home cleaning, gardening, shopping, doing projects. Being up at the hospital with Rosie I don’t have all those things to do. And this is the first time we have been here since Melanie died. So it was the first time we have talked to nurses and respiratory therapists and other hospital staff about Melanie. I have been able to share what happened but I was surprised with how many of them didn’t say anything until I brought it up. I guess they were unsure. I think it is important to know that people who loose a loved one want to talk about them. They may not be here on this earth but they did exist. We don’t want to forget Melanie. We want to remember her and talk about her. I love to hear what people remember about her. I think about her all the time. It seems to be easier to remember the good memories now. I don’t always think about those last days, the last moments we had with her. Those images are still in my mind but I am able to remember the good times too. I am able to think about her in Heaven whole and healthy and be happy that she isn’t suffering anymore. She can breathe and run and sing and dance. No limits. Nothing holding her back. I miss her friendship but I have found that I am becoming closer friends with Rosie and that is a wonderful thing.
I think what brings me to tears quickly these days is watching my living children deal with the loss of their sister. Adam expresses his feelings through song writing. He wrote and recorded a song last week. He posted it on his Facebook and as soon as I realized what he was singing about I feel apart. It’s one thing to grieve but it’s another to have to watch your child grieve. As a parent you want your children to be happy and for things to go well in their lives. These are the times that I cry out to God and trust that He loves and cares for them more than I do. I worry about Rosie who talks about Melanie but doesn’t seem to be grieving. Maybe it’s her age, maybe it’s her way of dealing with the fact that she has the same disease that took her sister’s life. I keep a close eye on her and pray for her as well. She is very positive about getting her lung transplant and I am glad that she sees that her story can end differently then Melanie’s did.
I still cry but not everyday. And most of the time it is a different kind of crying then it was a few months ago. I guess that is a good thing. It means I am healing and moving forward. My heart will never be whole again but I am learning how to live.